Now You Can Prolong The Lifespan of Your Zombie

Tired of getting your zombie well trained just before the final stage of decomposition? Well now you can add years to your zombie’s lifespan with a practice that’s been applied for decades!

Embalming! (more…)

WASHINGTON (AP) At a local neighborhood residence pounds of frozen raw meat and bones sealed in Ziploc® bags spill out of a nearby garage. Among the massacre is pork and beef and whole quail, lamb, chicken, goat, turkey, rabbit, buffalo, you name it. (more…)

The Art Of Training Your Zombie

With the merciless torment that comes from finding the one name that suits your zombie best, that same diligence should be applied, based on nutritional and quality values, when selecting the right zombie treat for training. Rewarding good behavior doesn’t have to advance decomposition with excess sugars.

While the name you choose speaks as much about you, the zombie owner, as it does about your walking dead, the same goes for the treats of which you dispense for good behavior. While names can define your relationship with your zombie, the right treat can convey just what your zombie means to you.

An important aspect of zombie training is to reward your zombie with gourmet zombie treats every time it obeys your commands, like sit, stay, or rip apart that neighbor who’s been banging my wife.

If you care for its well-being and good health, you should be sure to include a healthy zombie treat as an important part of your zombie’s diet. Many zombie treats are a fine source of nutrition; they tastes great while still satisfying your zombie’s cravings. What better way to reward good behavior than with something your zombie not only loves, but benefits from eating.

Nowadays, completely natural and gourmet zombie treats are gaining popularity, so much so that many zombie owners even bake healthy and nutritious zombie treats for their corpses right at home. More and more zombie owners are finding that zombie treats made from ingredients similar to those used in human food offer a satisfying choice from the commercial brands of zombie treats available in stores.

Moreover, if you’re like me and believe your zombie’s health is dependent on its diet, you will be quite satisfied with the latest all-natural zombie treats. These treats are not just delicious, but are nutritious and look great too. The minute your zombie smells the treats in your hand it’ll pretty much do anything you want!

The best thing is zombie treats are no longer limited to zombie biscuits. Today, you can take your zombie to special bakeries that cater to only domestic zombies. You and your zombie can browse through the range of zombie treats on display, which include but are not limited to flesh brownies, heart tarts, and of course, brains, every zombie’s favorite!

If you are not fortunate enough to have such gourmet bakeries for zombies in your neighborhood, then you can look on the internet and browse the many online gourmet zombie-treat bakeries out there. These bakeries provide natural, free of preservatives, and tasty zombie treats packaged in small plastic bags that even make excellent gifts if you have friends who have pet zombies. If your zombie is overweight, you even have the option for low-calorie zombie treats!

Like any good thing, going overboard with zombie treats can be detrimental to the health of your zombie! The art of training your zombie lies in never giving it more than 10% of its regular diet in zombie treats per day.

Breed Your Zombie?

I get this question all the time: Why shouldn’t I spay or neuter my zombie? While it’s no mystery why zombies like to roam (a change of scenery, a sense of independence, exercise–you don’t want an overweight zombie, the life giving feast of brain-eating), spaying or neutering your zombie won’t end their need to roam. Plus there are benefits to not spaying or neutering your zombie.

The answers might seem banal but you can’t deny their significance. The top three reasons to not spay or neuter your zombie are:

1. To Make Money From A Zombie Litter! Zombies are top dollar pets. You could make a lot of dinero from breeding your walking dead.
2. The Demand For Quality Zombies: While zombies are a dime a dozen, if you have a truly exceptional zombie you may be highly sought after for breeding.
3. The Wonderful Experience Of Zombie Ownership. People simply love zombies.

Now I know you are intrigued by the prospect of breeding your zombie, but let’s be sure breeding a litter of zombies is right for you. Let’s also take a look at the responsibility that comes with breeding a zombie.

First, you need a plan of action. Advertise before you breed. Develop a waiting list so that you know if breeding is the right action to take. If you have just one buyer in the wait, you might want to reconsider breeding at all.

If you breed your zombie before there’s a demand you will be forced to sell your zombie litter below their value. Or worse, you might be forced to give up your zombie litter altogether if you can’t afford to provide for them. Often times zombie breeders will drop their zombie litter off on the side of the road to quietly dispose of them. A free roaming zombie will quickly end up in a shelter where they will be permanently disposed of after seven days if they are not fortunate enough to find an owner.

With that in mind let’s take an in-depth look at the top three reasons I mentioned for not spaying or neutering your zombie and decide whether breeding really is for you.

#1. You’re a backyard zombie breeder looking for extra cash so you think selling off a zombie litter is a great idea. First, do you understand the expenses involved? You need proper facilities at the ready in case there are medical complications. There will be bills for vaccines once they are old enough to terrorize. There are food costs to consider until their release date. You’ll certainly want to advertise your zombie litter so that you are assured of releasing all of them. The list goes on. As you can imagine it’s no small feat to breed a zombie litter. Let’s take a look at some qualifiers for breeding:

• Males: do you have a quality zombie male made for breeding? This can be judged by health and temperament. You’ll need the expertise of a qualified zombie doctor to medically confirm your top breed zombie male.
• Females: the qualifications are an all-virtuous, quality female with no faults. Again you’ll need to have a qualified zombie physician confirm your zombie bitch. X-rays, exhumation records, shots. Stud fees are not uncommon either. Newborn zombies will need a zombie doctor visit after 6 weeks to confirm breeding. Then you can price your zombie litter according to their grading before their release.
• And finally, education for the new zombie owner: Answering any questions and offering advice on proper training and care of the zombie will be required. Can you handle this responsibility? Demonstrate proper zombie grooming techniques. Offer recommendation for zombie obedience training and tips for housebreaking. Is a zombie pedigree/registration form expected from you?

These are the deciding factors for taking on breeding of your zombie.

#2. Demand. From experience, no two zombies are the exactly the same. Are you prepared for the list of excuses you may hear as to why dedicated zombie takers are backing out, leaving you stuck with how many “promised” zombies? Again a homeless zombie becomes a free roaming zombie and a nuisance to the general public. You don’t want an innocent zombie euthanized because you couldn’t afford to provide for it.

#3. For the general love of zombies. Everyone knows that children love zombies. It’s undeniable. But responsibility and a lot of mess come with the territory of zombie ownership. Plan to spend dedicated time on some serious zombie care taking. Zombie mama stops cleaning up after the little zombies eventually and you’ll need to clean them off when she does. Sanitary conditions are vital; you clean the whelping pen on a regular basis and clean anything that comes in contact with the zombie litter. Feeding times are also your responsibility. You will essentially be a zombie parent not unlike having a human newborn in the house. No long periods of time away unless you have an experienced zombie sitter you can depend on. Ask yourself now, “Do I really want to breed my zombie?” Rather than, after the fact, “Why, oh why, did I breed these zombies?” You don’t want to be overwhelmed.

If you are unsure you can handle the responsibility of raising a zombie litter, leave breeding to the professionals. Free roaming zombies breed more zombies. If you absolutely cannot afford to breed your zombie, please, by all means, spay or neuter your corpse to prevent unwanted zombies.

Should You Become A Zombie Owner?

It has become a matter of stark concern and huge debate across the nation as to whether or not it is safe to own zombies.

On the one hand zombies have elicited fears in various communities from evidence of frenetic behavior in the wild that would imply recklessness, a relentless prey-drive that leads to one-track minds of killing and a rudimentary pack mentality once stirred to a frenzy.

On the other there is the belief that these exhibitions are similar to reactions of any number of pack animals in the wild, such as wolves, and with proper training and care zombies can become domesticated as the next generation of family pet.

Though both views may have some validity, there has been no conclusive scientific evidence to support either case. One thing, however, is very clear: zombies can carry the viral infection of Necro-mortosis and improper or careless handling of these zombies will be fatal to the handler.

If you are considering becoming a zombie owner, keep in mind two words always: responsible ownership.

With media hysteria looming, responsible owners find themselves endlessly having to defend their right to own zombies. Every indicting headline damages even further any headway made toward the positive domestication of zombies. Yet irresponsible and ignorant owners have done almost as much to damage zombies’ reputations as have their fearful neighbors.

The golden rule of zombie ownership – never trust your zombie to not attack.

As with wild zombies, the domestic zombie has some negative traits in their temperament that should be regarded as a breed fault. What can you expect from a domesticated zombie? You should never fully let your guard down with a domesticated zombie, as given the right circumstances most zombies will attack out of predisposition. You have to be extra vigilant in your ownership, be able to read body language, recognize tension flare-ups and recognize when your zombie may become hostile toward you or someone else.

Here are some known temperament issues with domestic zombies:

• Domestic zombies are always aggressive to one extent or another. They should never be left unrestrained and require constant and proper supervision.
• Domestic zombies may exhibit intense “prey drive”, leading them to “stalk” weaker subjects such as children, the mentally handicapped and the elderly.
• Domestic zombies are precocious and incomparable escape artists, who will often seem to squirt right out of a supposedly secure enclosure. This, however, is often accompanied by loss of flesh and or limbs as the one-track mind factor at this stage is escape and/or pursuit.
• Zombies tend to love to eat people. All people. This makes them a poor choice for a “guardian breed”. It is unknown why they lust for mainly human flesh, but a few studies have suggested that raw meat of any kind will be devoured willingly.

If you are convinced that raising domesticated zombies is for you, heed these temperaments. It could save your life or the life of your family or neighbor should you become a zombie owner.

Love of Zombies Is Human Nature

Our race has achieved much in its brief time on this planet: civil rights, women’s rights, gay marriages; so it is surprising that there is still an overwhelming fear of zombies in the world. Movies have stereotyped the walking dead to be senseless, frenzied monsters bent on nothing more than sucking your sponge out of your head. Sure zombies love a good brain treat every now and then but they also enjoy a good quiche when given the opportunity. But the truth of the matter is zombies make wonderful household pets and are loyal once they recognize who is feeding them regularly.

If you tremble at the mere thought of zombies or at seeing one on television, or even meeting one on the streets, chances are you suffer from Kinemortophobia, or fear of zombies.

It doesn’t matter how you arrived at this fear, although chances are it was one dark event that propagated it, likely when you were a young child. What matters is that you need to conquer this fear of zombies; otherwise you’ll be forever changing channels on television or crossing the street when there’s a chance you’ll have to walk close to a zombie.

So, what can you do to overcome your zombie phobia?

It depends on how serious your case is really. While extreme Kinemortophobia might involve treatment with tools such as Cognitive Behavior Therapy, fortunately most cases don’t need this kind of in-depth treatment. At its mildest, you may be able to cure your fear of zombies simply by increasing the amount of times you spend with zombies.

Start off by going online and viewing pictures of a few non-hostile corpses. Domestic zombies abound in millions of homes across the globe and the ratio of wild zombies has dwindled to mere handfuls. Even so, wild zombies can be domesticated. Your computer is the safest environment for conquering your fear of zombies as nothing is able to jump out of the screen and attack you. Viewing images of zombies interacting with humans will help ease you into the next stage.

Once you are comfortable with viewing pictures of zombies, the next stage is to actually walk close to zombies. Which means the next time you see a zombie on a leash – especially a small child zombie – ignore your instinctive reaction to cross the road. Instead, walk past the zombie on the sidewalk and avoid eye contact. The proud zombie owner will likely notice that you’re worried (or you can always say so) and will most likely be courteous enough to keep the zombie on a short leash.

Keep working at this until you have the courage to say hi to a passing zombie. You’ll be pleasantly surprised how quickly you can control your reactions and start befriending zombies rather than being scared of them.

For severe cases of Kinemortophobia many people have found that hypnosis is a quick and easy way to cure their fear of zombies. Because hypnosis penetrates your subconscious at such a deep level, and can thus locate the source of your phobia and disarm it, you will be able to have healthy relationships with zombies in the future.

Your cure for fear of zombies is at hand. Make the right start on your way to appreciating zombies and you will find that love of zombies is human nature!