Breed Your Zombie?

I get this question all the time: Why shouldn’t I spay or neuter my zombie? While it’s no mystery why zombies like to roam (a change of scenery, a sense of independence, exercise–you don’t want an overweight zombie, the life giving feast of brain-eating), spaying or neutering your zombie won’t end their need to roam. Plus there are benefits to not spaying or neutering your zombie.

The answers might seem banal but you can’t deny their significance. The top three reasons to not spay or neuter your zombie are:

1. To Make Money From A Zombie Litter! Zombies are top dollar pets. You could make a lot of dinero from breeding your walking dead.
2. The Demand For Quality Zombies: While zombies are a dime a dozen, if you have a truly exceptional zombie you may be highly sought after for breeding.
3. The Wonderful Experience Of Zombie Ownership. People simply love zombies.

Now I know you are intrigued by the prospect of breeding your zombie, but let’s be sure breeding a litter of zombies is right for you. Let’s also take a look at the responsibility that comes with breeding a zombie.

First, you need a plan of action. Advertise before you breed. Develop a waiting list so that you know if breeding is the right action to take. If you have just one buyer in the wait, you might want to reconsider breeding at all.

If you breed your zombie before there’s a demand you will be forced to sell your zombie litter below their value. Or worse, you might be forced to give up your zombie litter altogether if you can’t afford to provide for them. Often times zombie breeders will drop their zombie litter off on the side of the road to quietly dispose of them. A free roaming zombie will quickly end up in a shelter where they will be permanently disposed of after seven days if they are not fortunate enough to find an owner.

With that in mind let’s take an in-depth look at the top three reasons I mentioned for not spaying or neutering your zombie and decide whether breeding really is for you.

#1. You’re a backyard zombie breeder looking for extra cash so you think selling off a zombie litter is a great idea. First, do you understand the expenses involved? You need proper facilities at the ready in case there are medical complications. There will be bills for vaccines once they are old enough to terrorize. There are food costs to consider until their release date. You’ll certainly want to advertise your zombie litter so that you are assured of releasing all of them. The list goes on. As you can imagine it’s no small feat to breed a zombie litter. Let’s take a look at some qualifiers for breeding:

• Males: do you have a quality zombie male made for breeding? This can be judged by health and temperament. You’ll need the expertise of a qualified zombie doctor to medically confirm your top breed zombie male.
• Females: the qualifications are an all-virtuous, quality female with no faults. Again you’ll need to have a qualified zombie physician confirm your zombie bitch. X-rays, exhumation records, shots. Stud fees are not uncommon either. Newborn zombies will need a zombie doctor visit after 6 weeks to confirm breeding. Then you can price your zombie litter according to their grading before their release.
• And finally, education for the new zombie owner: Answering any questions and offering advice on proper training and care of the zombie will be required. Can you handle this responsibility? Demonstrate proper zombie grooming techniques. Offer recommendation for zombie obedience training and tips for housebreaking. Is a zombie pedigree/registration form expected from you?

These are the deciding factors for taking on breeding of your zombie.

#2. Demand. From experience, no two zombies are the exactly the same. Are you prepared for the list of excuses you may hear as to why dedicated zombie takers are backing out, leaving you stuck with how many “promised” zombies? Again a homeless zombie becomes a free roaming zombie and a nuisance to the general public. You don’t want an innocent zombie euthanized because you couldn’t afford to provide for it.

#3. For the general love of zombies. Everyone knows that children love zombies. It’s undeniable. But responsibility and a lot of mess come with the territory of zombie ownership. Plan to spend dedicated time on some serious zombie care taking. Zombie mama stops cleaning up after the little zombies eventually and you’ll need to clean them off when she does. Sanitary conditions are vital; you clean the whelping pen on a regular basis and clean anything that comes in contact with the zombie litter. Feeding times are also your responsibility. You will essentially be a zombie parent not unlike having a human newborn in the house. No long periods of time away unless you have an experienced zombie sitter you can depend on. Ask yourself now, “Do I really want to breed my zombie?” Rather than, after the fact, “Why, oh why, did I breed these zombies?” You don’t want to be overwhelmed.

If you are unsure you can handle the responsibility of raising a zombie litter, leave breeding to the professionals. Free roaming zombies breed more zombies. If you absolutely cannot afford to breed your zombie, please, by all means, spay or neuter your corpse to prevent unwanted zombies.